I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
