so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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