this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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