So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
