I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
