her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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