my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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