i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We just shotgunned beers for America
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
