if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
