I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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