I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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