Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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