Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We need a shit load of segways right now
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
