You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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