last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
