ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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