Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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