what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
