Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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