he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
