i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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