hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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