First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
