and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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