why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
