no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
