My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
