You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
