Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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