Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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