I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
