It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Randomize
