my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
