I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
