So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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