Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
