She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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