Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
someone owes me an orgasm
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
where are you?
Hypothermia
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
