And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
