a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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