I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
