I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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