Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
