Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We had to coat check the pizza.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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