Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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