I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have tasted many bathrooms
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
