why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
