A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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