if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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