I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
