Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
