there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
