It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
